Signs of Growing up

Often times I really feel like I'm never progressing in my personal life. And by personal life I mean the parts of my life that only pertain to me. Like becoming more mature about how I handle things. I believe one of the greatest markers of personal growth are how you handle small trivial things. I think it's a great sign of moving forward when you finally realize you're being stupid about something and tell yourself to calm down because you're being an idiot. I've come to realize that I have a most amazing girlfriend and 9.99 times out of 10 if I get irritated about something it's because of me, not really her. As I get older and my relationships get more serious I realize at times that I'm still the dorky, uncomfortable around girls, insecure kid I was in high school. Now for some of you that have known me for a long time might question the fact that I could be uncomfortable around anyone, but it is sooo true. I'm just better at hiding it than other people. You can tell when I'm really uncomfortable, because I'll make myself the center of attention. I crack jokes and make everyone laugh. I may do some stupid dance or put on an article of clothing that is five sizes to small. I know it's a weird defense mechanism, but I guess it came from my dad dieing. If I could make everything funny and easy to laugh at, then I'd never have to worry about being sad and feeling the pain. And that same fear causes the insecurities I have now, I think, but I'm no Dr. Phil. Every insecurity I have with my awesome girlfriend comes from the fear of losing her and the resulting pain. Now I don't want to sit here and whine and complain about loss and grief because it's just part of life, but it's one of those things that I have to get better at.

Another sign of growing up is how you trust people. I have no problem sitting at home watching a movie, or football, or hunting shows, when she goes out with her friends because I really do trust her. I honestly don't think she'd ever do anything to ever hurt me. There's just this dumb little voice in the back of my head that I have to learn how to drown out (every guy has this voice, some have learned to deal with it better). I hear it and start to tell myself "well it's not her I worry about it's all the guys that'll be hitting on her." Well if I really didn't worry about her then it wouldn't be an issue would it? The truth is I do worry about it. And it's at these times that I have to look at myself and say "HEY, quit being a retard." But when I'm alone and it's quiet the fear starts to creep in. It's the fear of loss and pain that I know real well and have fought with for years. And honestly I think it'll always be there, I think it's how I learn to ignore it that will change. But when there's nothing to distract your mind it starts to wander. Does she love me as much as she says? Would she pick her friends over me? (not that anyone should have to, just insecurities.) And all of a sudden your mind is in a worst case scenario mode. When all you really need to do is go "Hey, she's with me. She liked me enough to say I'm dating you and you only. Quit worrying. She's coming home to you and that's what matters." But I get upset, pout, and whine, and it's all because deep down I'm still that shy, dorky kid who worried about never getting a girlfriend. Much less having one to worry about losing.

Today Kim and I decided to have an impromptu weekend in Gatlinburg and I intend to enjoy every minute of it. I'm gonna live in the moment and be with here. I'm not gonna let my mind wander to what could be, I'm gonna keep it focused on what is. Because who knows tomorrow might be the last day for us. Maybe the Mayans got it wrong and over shot. Maybe the world ends tomorrow. Well if it does I can tell you who I'm gonna be with and who I'm gonna tell I love them. (Along with the family) Because you know what? She loves me and I love her and that means the world to me. I honestly could not have come of with a better girlfriend if I had designed her myself. She may not be perfect, but she's perfect for me. And dadgumit I need to remember that when I start to have stupid thoughts. She's mine, not yours, ha I win! OH MY GAWD I LOVE HER! (we've been watching Jersey Shore a good bit)