Well who woulda thunk it?

Some of you know that I went to college straight out of high school, and that I didn't finish. Most of you however, probably don't know why I dropped out. I originally went to college because, like so many kids, I believed it was the logical thing to do after high school. I mean what else was I going to do, get a job and be a productive member of society? So I spent my first year out of high school at the only university in South Carolina, Clemson of course. But, truth be told, I never wanted to be there. It's not that I didn't love Clemson and everything about it, I was just still so depressed from my dad dying. My dad died my freshman year of high school and I never dealt with it. I felt like I had already lost so much I hated moving away from everything I knew. I was an agriculture major and ever really felt like I belonged there. Everyone in the department either grew up on a farm or had experience on one but not me. It just never felt right. So after a full school year and two summer sessions, I decided to drop out. I moved back home for two years and got a job. After enough pestering from my mom and friends I decided to return to Clemson. I still hadn't dealt with any issues so it didn't go well to say the least. I spent a semester at Clemson, a semester at Tri-County, and then I went back to just working. During my period of working in Clemson I met several people who had a great bearing on my life. The first was a boss by the name of Duncan Butler. He was/is a great businessman. He was a great role model and is still a great friend. He became a big brother to most of us, but he was more of a surrogate father to me. He did wonders for my self confidence and taught me a lot about enjoying the moment and the people I still had. The second person that had a huge affect on my life was my future wife Kim. She has already graduated from college and now works at Clemson. She did wonders for my self esteem in both positive and negative ways. She's the woman I'm going to marry so of course finding her made me feel awesome. However, the salary she gets as a college graduate made me feel inadequate. This was a feeling I had to learn to get past and now use it as motivation to complete college. She has been more than supportive and it'll take me a lifetime to thank her. So I applied to return to Clemson and now I'm just waiting to hear back from them. As long as they have room for me I'll be a college student in the spring. Also i decided to change my major to mechanical engineering. I feel like this is something suited better to my interests, skills, and back ground. This is the first time I can honestly say I'm excited about school. I'm focused and determined and I feel like I've reached a turning point in my life.

I try and I try, but I don't really try

You know, when I started this blog I thought it'd be real easy to keep up with. Turns out it's not, or I just don't keep up with it. Aside from this blog I've actually been really productive. I'll credit 10% of that to my new (hand me down) iPhone, 20% to the example of people I don't want to be, and 70% to my fiancé Kim being a wonderful motivator. In the two months since my last post I've made some major improvements. Kim and I have decided to not go the typical route when people get married and become dumpy and quit trying. We've decided to improve on our standings. First Kim found a workout routine for us. Now, what I love is that she found a powerlifting routine (yes sometimes I think she would have made a better man). So we are in our second month of our joint workouts and this marks the longest I have ever stuck with exercising. Secondly, I quit drinking soda. I may have a coke every once in a while when we eat out, but it's a far cry from the 8-10 glasses a day. With cutting soda and exercising I've lost 15 lbs, 6% body fat, and a little over two inches on my waist. I think I've reach equilibrium on the size and weight because I've noticed my arms and legs are getting bigger, and my weight is barely starting to go back up. Muscle weighs more than fat, so as long as the fat percentage goes down that means the weight is new muscle. And last but not least I have applied to go back to Clemson! My mom was excited to say the least. There were many factors that finally broke my pride, but perhaps I'll chronicle those in my next post. I promise it won't be two months since I have an app for doing this on my phone now. I really have no excuse, because who can't find twenty minutes to do this really? See y'all hopefully tomorrow night for my college update but if not it'll be soon I promise.

It's That Time of Year Again...

Time to get up before the sun does, time to get that first good sunburn, time for my friend to hang a Rapala in his calf. Yep, that's right it's time for fishing again. I'm not sure why I do this completely frustrating hobby. And then I have a day where the fish are hitting the lure as soon as it hits the water. The fish are coming into the boat hand over fist. (I'm not even sure what that means) And I realize that is the payoff I've been waiting on. Plus the eating isn't bad either. But there are the days when absolutely nothing is biting. Those are the days when I wonder what the heck we're doing on the water. It seems like a huge waste of time to get up that early and burn the gas in the boat. But I step back and realize that it's all "time well wasted" to quote Brad Paisley. It's a disconnect from reality. It's a chance to forget about work and all it's bs. It's a chance to look around at nature. Fishing on a lake that's set in the middle of the mountains give me a chance to revel in God's handy work. It's time to sit on the lake and with every cast erase the self doubt and depressions from the previous week. It's a time to dedicate myself to something and with enough hard work see the rewards. I do fear that this obsession is only gonna get worse. I recently traded my motorcycle for a fishing boat. So now I don't have to wait for my fishing buddy with the boat to be off work. So as soon as all the registrations come back it'll be just about anytime I'm off. So much for productivity. But then again I guess productivity depends on the end goal. So I'll be productively escaping land and finding my sea legs.

All slack bloggers raise your hands.... Oh just me... CRAP!

Well I haven't been on here in about a month and a half and a lot has gone on. Let's approach this chronologically. First, my MOM and I took a concealed weapons class. Yeah Merri is that tough. Second, I sold my diesel. It was a sad day, but cash in the bank is always a plus. Third, Kim and I have decided to stop renting and are looking for a house. Actually because I'm broke Kim decided to stop renting and buy a house and I'll just be the cabana boy. And last, but definitely not least, Kim and I are ENGAGED!!! And let me say it feels awesome. I'll say this, it was the most nerve racking thing I've ever done without a doubt. Flying through the mountains on a motorcycle at 80mph in no way compares to how hard your heart will beat when asking a woman to marry you.

So let's give a play by play of how it went down. Kim had gone to Charleston for the weekend with her friend Dava to see their friend Lauren. Without her in town I kicked into high gear. I got off work at 1 pm on Saturday. I took a trailer of pine straw to her parents house. When I was there I talked to her mom about asking Kim to marry me and she said she was on board with the idea. Alright, one family down, one family to talk to. It was now about 2:30 pm as I left Kim's parent's house and headed towards my hometown (3 hours away). I got down home and met up with my mom. We went to dinner and discussed me asking Kim to marry me and my mom assured me that she thought it was an excellent idea. Actually the conversation went like this:

Me: What would you think about me asking Kim to marry me?
Mom: Well, son that's not a question I can answer. Only you can know if she's who you want to marry
Me: No, I'm not asking if you think I think I want to marry her. I'm asking you how you feel about me telling you I want to ask her to marry me.
Mom: Ohhh, well I think that's a great idea.

At dinner my mom and I discussed how Kim has her life pretty well together, how she has a great head on her shoulders, how she is down to earth, and how she motivates me very well. After dinner we went back to my mom's house where she gave me the ring my dad gave her (we'll come back to why I used this ring later). I left my home town and arrived back in the upstate around midnight. I got up the next day ready to clean the house and prepare for Kim's return. Now at this point I have been told by Kim that her and Dava would be back around dinner time. Normally I would have thought "yeah right" but I was so amped up about proposing that I actually forgot who they were and thought they would keep with the itinerary. So I proceed to spend the afternoon cleaning the house, setting up what seemed like 1000 tea candles, and making an overly gushy play list on iTunes. I then spent the next five hours waiting. Because that's what you do when you're waiting on three friends who haven't seen each other in a while to say goodbye. So we skip ahead five hours because I'm not gonna narrate me watching a Top Gear marathon or Diamonds are Forever. Kim texts me when she's exiting the nearby town like I asked her to so I can light the overly ambitious tea lights I have put out. When Kim opens the door I am kneeling in the center of the living room with a lawn mower in front of me (well if we're looking at houses we're gonna have to cut the grass). And I ask her if she would be a home owner with me. She says yes and comes over and hugs me. I'm still kneeling at this point and reach down to pick up the ring. When she leans back from hugging me I'm holding up the ring and ask her if she would also be my wife. With a very stunned and surprised look and says "for real?" and then lots of bouncing and giddiness ensued. And that's the story of how I asked Kim to marry me.

You know you always hear people talk about how you'll know when you meet "the one". Well hogwash. Now I'm not saying that I don't know that Kim's the "one" and that I haven't known for a while I'm just saying it's not like a light bulb going on all of a sudden. It's more like a light on a dimmer switch and it just slowly gets brighter over time. The longer I was with Kim the more I realized she was the perfect fit for me.

She really works well with my personality. She doesn't bug and pester me about things I need to do, but rather offers kind and subtle encouragement and that's what I need. She's not someone behind me pushing forward. She's someone standing beside me tugging on my elbow saying let's move forward. And I absolutely love that. I heard last week that the number one reason most marriages fail isn't because of money or other factors you normally think of it's because of the way they fight. And that's the other thing I really love about our relationship. We don't argue much but when we do it's not like a flashback to high school. We're constructive and polite (well as polite as you can be in a disagreement). We actually discuss the problem and don't just place blame or call each other names. We actively work towards finding a solution instead of trying to establish a "winner". But like I said we don't argue much. Another huge thing too is we try to be nice to each other. Just tonight, in our tiny kitchen, we were both trying to do things that required more room than either of us had and yet we were apologizing to each other for being in the way. It was just a small thing that makes me realize we are ready to get married because we both care more for the other. Even if it is just about who was in line for the sink first. It's just one of the few things that point me to why she's perfect for me. My father passed away on 5-14-99. Kim's birthday is 5-14-84. While I know nothing could ever replace my father I feel like it was God's way of saying "here's someone to help ease the pain and add some joy." Also my parents were married on 6-13-70. The day I met Kim was 6-13-08 and from that point we've been pretty much inseparable. That's why I wanted to use my mom's ring. I figure there were 29 good years in there for my parents, and there were the dates from all our lives that lined up, that it seemed right to me. So now the planning begins and so does the rest of our lives. It's been great so far and I can only imagine it getting better.

Just Stay Positive

It's a lot easier said then done. Just be positive. Doesn't sound like a very hard task. Ha, it's probably the hardest thing for me to do. And that's a deceptive statement because it isn't always that hard. Some days it's really easy to stay positive. There are days when I get off work early, don't work at all, dinner is exactly what I wanted and I didn't ask for it, my girlfriend wants to buy a rifle and get into hunting, my dog hasn't gotten in the trash, I don't have any bills due that day, it isn't raining (which it is right now), NatGeo has a special on Killer Whales attacking Great White sharks (which they do right now), or sometimes I'm just in a good mood. But there are days when it's raining, or my money seams to be streaming from my bank account, or things just seem to be conspiring against me. Those are the days when it's hard to be positive. Some days I do good. I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed from the moment my feet hit the floor and then it happens, it all goes bad. It doesn't take much, it clouds up, or someone just makes the wrong comment. And I ask myself, later in the day, why I can't just let that roll off my back. As I get older I get better at letting things slide, but it's still a learning process. When I step back and think about everything positive in my life it definitely adds up. Like right now, for instance, my dog is on the other end of the couch snoring and I can't help but smile. I know that in a little while my Kim is going to walk through the door and back home to me and I can't help but smile. I know that my mom loves me and I can't help but smile. I have a Diesel and I can't help but smile. God woke me up this morning and I can't help but smile. There's a roof over my head and food in my belly and I can't help but smile. I've got a job that I don't hate and I can't help but smile. I have two days off to spend with my Kim and I can't help but smile. The list could go on and on, and if I knew what was good for me I'd probably keep going. But I want this blog to be, at the very least, semi-interesting for other readers. So with so much of today's news and everything else caught up in negativity try and stay positive. Be warned though people will look at you like you're weird, like you're not normal. They'll look at you like you're something that wandered in from the wild, but hey isn't that the point. Refuse normalcy, be wild. That's how we were meant to be, POSITIVELY WILD.

God, Guns, & Rock 'N' Roll

That's right Uncle Ted. Now, some of you may roll your eyes, but I dare you to read his book and try to not form your own opinion on the topics he discusses. If you get past all of the loud, obnoxious behavior Ted puts on when he's on TV he actually makes some good points. Now I don't expect you to agree with everything he says, heck I don't, but he does open a dialogue. And I really believe that's what he tries to do. He makes bold statements that are sure to get a reaction. I think he does this so, even if you do get outraged, you begin to inspect why you believe what you believe (hopefully).

This book was more about guns, more so than God and rock 'n' roll. Ted does talk a little about his rock 'n' roll career, but it's mostly about how he didn't indulge in the normal decadence and drug use. The main body of the book is about Ted's thoughts on gun control and how beneficial hunting can be. Ted believes that gun control should be something that is brought to the forefront and addressed not swept under the rug and ignored. He admits to the allure of guns to young people. And he's right. I remember being young and being amazed by my dad's hunting guns. Ted makes the point to get kids involved with guns as early as possible. This, in my opinion, is a really great idea on many fronts. First and foremost, no one is going to just send their young child in the backyard unattended with a gun. So this forces a lot of parent-child interactions (big plus for society these days). Secondly by putting a gun in the child's hands and letting them shoot it takes a lot of the mystique and wonder away and makes them a little less fascinating. With teaching your child proper gun handling technique, and not being lax about it, you teach them discipline. With every shot, and every bulls eye there is a tremendous sense of achievement and this increases self esteem. Begin them as young as you can with a Red Ryder BB gun. Then step them up to a .22 caliber rifle. And when they become old enough you can buy them a larger game hunting rifle. When in their teens let them shoot your hand guns if you own them, but be sure you instill in them from the very first day of shooting that they do not do any of this with out your assistance. But with that stipulation be sure that you take the time to shoot with your kids when they want to. Ted also has the idea of the "white room." This is the idea of having the kids taught a gun education course. At the conclusion of the classroom portion of the class the kids are taken into an all white room. The kids along with the instructor are wearing all white painter's overalls. On a table ten yards away there are four gallon jugs filled with red liquid. The instructor proceeds to take a high power hand gun, while everyone wears eye and ear protection. The red liquid would cover the room and partially the students. The point of this exercise is to scare the kids, to an extent, and drive home the idea that guns do have very serious consequences. Along with the idea of shooting sports Ted also suggests getting your kid into archery. There are many bows on the market for kids that are hugely adjustable in both draw length and draw weight. Archery is a great idea because it teaches even more discipline. It requires such discipline in form for the arrow to fly right and this is a great teachable moment for the kids about life. Archery also offers instant gratification and feedback.

Ted also talks a lot about hunting. He talks about how spiritual hunting is for him. And anyone who has spent time in the woods and harvested any of nature's wonderful offerings understands this. He talks about how this is also another opportunity for parent-child interaction. These days every person is required to take a hunter safety course, and Ted makes the statement that "you won't find a hunter's education card in the pocket of any gang member." And you know what I bet he's right. I don't really think this has a lot to do with the hunter's ed course, but more to do with the parental relationship the kids have. If you're more involved in your kids life you have more of a chance to make a difference for the better. Hunting can have a huge impact on kids though along with the parental interactions. It does depend on the attitude of the parent about the hunt, but it's a great opportunity with another teachable moment. You can take this chance to teach them reverence for the harvest. There are tons of great protein opportunities in nature as I like to call them. Everything from small game like squirrel and birds, to larger game like deer and hogs. Nature offers a bountiful harvest of "perfect protein." Ted honestly believes in this "perfect protein", as he calls it, so much so that he and his family haven't eaten store bought meat since 1969. That's right it will be 51 years this year since the Nugents bought meat. WOW!!! Wild game is low fat, low cholesterol, high protein fair that is, as Ted puts is, "rocket fuel for my spiritual campfire." Native peoples, like Inuits or Native Americans, who share this type of diet some far fewer examples of heart disease, diabetes, and hardening to the arteries. Many of these problems are magnified by the poor diet we indulge in these days. Hunting is a return to our hunter-gatherer days and a healthier life style. It offers us not only a healthier diet, but a more active and in turn healthier life.

Now some of you may say that all of this will just increase gun use and violence in America. But I would be willing to bet you that most of the gun crimes were not committed by people who had proper gun handling and discipline training. Some may say that we need tougher gun laws, we need to make it harder to get and carry a gun. Well that's just dumb. The people who are committing the crimes with guns now aren't following the rules, why would they all of a sudden change that. If you enact tougher laws then you're just punishing the people who are following the rules. The key would be to enforce the rules you already have in place. And besides, the more people who are armed the more a criminal will think twice about doing something illegal. If criminals think there is a chance they might get resistance then they rethink what they're doing. So do yourself a favor, if you already haven't, take a hunter's ed course and get a gun. Whether it's a hand gun or a .22. Then get out to the gun range and become proficient with it. And remember always follow proper gun etiquette and safety. Learn to handle a gun and this will teach you discipline and self esteem. Learn to hunt (haha, like it's that easy) and it'll teach you how to be closer to being self sufficient. This get's you into the mindset of an apex predator and unleashes the spirit of the wild inside of all of us. Whether you like to admit it or not it's there, and begging to be let out. To quote Uncle Ted, "Your life begins at point A and ends at Point B. Kick maximum ass!!!"

Signs of Growing up

Often times I really feel like I'm never progressing in my personal life. And by personal life I mean the parts of my life that only pertain to me. Like becoming more mature about how I handle things. I believe one of the greatest markers of personal growth are how you handle small trivial things. I think it's a great sign of moving forward when you finally realize you're being stupid about something and tell yourself to calm down because you're being an idiot. I've come to realize that I have a most amazing girlfriend and 9.99 times out of 10 if I get irritated about something it's because of me, not really her. As I get older and my relationships get more serious I realize at times that I'm still the dorky, uncomfortable around girls, insecure kid I was in high school. Now for some of you that have known me for a long time might question the fact that I could be uncomfortable around anyone, but it is sooo true. I'm just better at hiding it than other people. You can tell when I'm really uncomfortable, because I'll make myself the center of attention. I crack jokes and make everyone laugh. I may do some stupid dance or put on an article of clothing that is five sizes to small. I know it's a weird defense mechanism, but I guess it came from my dad dieing. If I could make everything funny and easy to laugh at, then I'd never have to worry about being sad and feeling the pain. And that same fear causes the insecurities I have now, I think, but I'm no Dr. Phil. Every insecurity I have with my awesome girlfriend comes from the fear of losing her and the resulting pain. Now I don't want to sit here and whine and complain about loss and grief because it's just part of life, but it's one of those things that I have to get better at.

Another sign of growing up is how you trust people. I have no problem sitting at home watching a movie, or football, or hunting shows, when she goes out with her friends because I really do trust her. I honestly don't think she'd ever do anything to ever hurt me. There's just this dumb little voice in the back of my head that I have to learn how to drown out (every guy has this voice, some have learned to deal with it better). I hear it and start to tell myself "well it's not her I worry about it's all the guys that'll be hitting on her." Well if I really didn't worry about her then it wouldn't be an issue would it? The truth is I do worry about it. And it's at these times that I have to look at myself and say "HEY, quit being a retard." But when I'm alone and it's quiet the fear starts to creep in. It's the fear of loss and pain that I know real well and have fought with for years. And honestly I think it'll always be there, I think it's how I learn to ignore it that will change. But when there's nothing to distract your mind it starts to wander. Does she love me as much as she says? Would she pick her friends over me? (not that anyone should have to, just insecurities.) And all of a sudden your mind is in a worst case scenario mode. When all you really need to do is go "Hey, she's with me. She liked me enough to say I'm dating you and you only. Quit worrying. She's coming home to you and that's what matters." But I get upset, pout, and whine, and it's all because deep down I'm still that shy, dorky kid who worried about never getting a girlfriend. Much less having one to worry about losing.

Today Kim and I decided to have an impromptu weekend in Gatlinburg and I intend to enjoy every minute of it. I'm gonna live in the moment and be with here. I'm not gonna let my mind wander to what could be, I'm gonna keep it focused on what is. Because who knows tomorrow might be the last day for us. Maybe the Mayans got it wrong and over shot. Maybe the world ends tomorrow. Well if it does I can tell you who I'm gonna be with and who I'm gonna tell I love them. (Along with the family) Because you know what? She loves me and I love her and that means the world to me. I honestly could not have come of with a better girlfriend if I had designed her myself. She may not be perfect, but she's perfect for me. And dadgumit I need to remember that when I start to have stupid thoughts. She's mine, not yours, ha I win! OH MY GAWD I LOVE HER! (we've been watching Jersey Shore a good bit)